Pop culture Politics Perversion Advice Speedmonkey.net

Details

Rate

Images

A few years back, when I was working on cruise ships, one of the routes we took started in New York, cruised up the coast then down the St. Lawrence ending up in Montreal.

Montreal.. why I know people there..what a great place to score. Oh right, plus my mom lives there so what a great opportunity to show her where I work oh, and at the same time take a few grams of hash and weed aboard.

Of course I had already pre-determined what I would do in the event security searched me while boarding; a few years back, I learned how to make smoke bombs - All I'd have to do is drop one of those capsules and - Abracadabra - POOF!!! - I'd vanish - leaving the custom agents baffled.

Pending my Johnny Quest escape, I would settle for swallowing the stuff.

I mean I had done it once with complete success So what's a second try?

Earlier in the moring, I had requested that my mom be allowed on board for the day. So I spent the day with my buddies - then I went off to pick up my mom. - what a brilliant idea.

My keen senses are always on overdrive and on this particular day, they were working especially hard. In the event of an emergency and I really did have to swallow a quarter of weed and hash, I'd better grind it up and package it.

I grinded it all up save the hash which I wrapped in tin foil and smooshed it in with the powdered pot and cellophane. I separated the stash into two lumps. I balled them up pretty tightly and stuffed them in my pocket. Fool Proof! Monkey proof?

My mom looked great. She was so excited to see her son. All grown up, she was so proud. I escorted her and her friend up to the terminal where she had to sign in. As she was signing in, I noticed that about 50 yards in front of me was a metal detector.

Now at this point, I'm pretty freaked. I was so freaked and paranoid that I thought the machine was not only a metal detector - I also thought it was an X-Ray. Shit!!! They're going to see right through my pockets.

I turned around and headed back towards my mom (where she was still sign ing in) As I was walking back towards her, my eyes darted across the terminal scanning for a trash can, a plant holder... anything, anywhere to unload my stash.

Nothing was around and by now my jerky actions have caught the attention of everyone around - I could feel it - the guy behind the newspaper with a transmitter in his ear... the 2 security guys talking into their lapels. my paranoia was becoming rampant. So what did I do...? I did what any rational person would do... I took the two lumps from my pocket and proceeded to cram them down my throat.

The first one didn't go down to well, so I coughed it up and tried again...

If I thought my actions before were drawing attention - my sudden fit of coughing and choking was surly to attract a few more looky - loo's.

No drink, no food, no reason to start coughing.. yet there I was like some epileptic cat convulsing trying to swallow balls of grounded pot wrapped in saran wrap bound with scotch tape... Brilliant.

I had no luck getting them clearly down my throat. All I could do was nervously grin at the highly trained metal detecting officer and slip my way through the censors and hope they don't wave me over.

Unable to properly breathe, I anxiously awaited my mother who doddled her way through the terminal. I took her by the hand and we rushed onto the ship.

Oh but wait, before you board, you must get your picture taken. Smile!!! 'Hey Monkey, Why the red face?'

After the shot was taken, I ran onboard and scrambled to the closest toilet, stuck my finger down my throat and gagged up those two sweet balls.

However, the hash that was wrapped in tin foil broke through the plastic wrap and scratched my throat on the way up resulting in drops of blood mixing with the sweet smell of the ship's toilet water.

"HA HA!!! Suckers - I made it, my plan was fool proof" Was all I thought as I peeled back the blood stained foil and revealed the wondrous site on Montreal Hash.

Was it worth it? Sure... 2 weeks later, I failed a drug test. When I told my mommy, she asked, "Did you try something funny that day in Montreal?"

As I stared at the hung picture of her and I taken seconds before I was about to pass out, I held my smile, maintained my dignity and assured her that I'm no fool,

Strangely, she doesn't believe me.

Read more SM rants