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Don't Ever Take A Bus For Spring Break..

"The toilet was jammed up with shit, toilet paper and puke. But for those of us unfortunate enough to live in winter 6 months of the year, who's Spring Break consists of a tanning bed, Molson Ex and a naked picture of your friend's sister, 32 hours in a stink filled bus heading to the Trailer-Trash capital of the world may be the best option."

So there we were, we had only 32 hours left on the Greyhound before our destiny would manifest in front of our eyes...the Gold Coast. No we were not headed for cotton fields, it was California that was calling.

21 years old, finally legal world wide. Oh the possibilities... but first we had to cross the border.

Two pie-eyed kids with a Cheshire cat grin, "Yes ossiefer, I mean no officer that stuff will kill your motivation. I've heard people try to jump off buildings because of these wings.. see here, the same ones I have..." Damn, they were there a second ago.

I passed the test. Surely I could handle what was to come. Or so I thought. There have been two events in my life that will forever alter the way I look at the world. I entered the world of Jerry Garcia and dropped Acid. (Not necessarily in that order)

Things get a bit blurry after that as the years combined, melt into a dream. All I now had to do was swallow a tiny piece of paper. You know the one with a little sunshine. It's not doing anything. Better take another...Much better. 'cept now I can't stop my jaw, and everything is gaining focus. Except of course my plans. Focus, Focus...Hocus Pocus...have you ever seen Frosty the Snowman?

"Why it was just like I said Ossifer...Frosty...can you not make any sudden movements your extremities are gaining speed, now there are multiple of them."
From here there was only one place to go... Further.

So on the bus we go. Armed with toothbrush, toothpaste and a flannel for my face. I notice that someone replaced the passengers with the characters from Return of the Jedi.

WHAT NO SEAT BELTS? "Well you see, there is a light on this tree that is broken..."all right, who changed Jabba's script..."Asspllatt Messsidanna Letttrechty," There much better.

He assured me that each seat was equipped with manual air bags...Now what if we'd replace the air bags with popcorn bags? Give us something to do while we wait for help...Damn, I forgot dental floss. Just one more badge and I would have been a boy scout. Preperation...I was sure going to need it, why with only 32 hours to go and all. "H" when prepared it's the only letter you need. The ttrrippp is now in full sswinggg.Where to from here? Why L.A. of course. Swimming pools and movie stars...Jed was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he hung himself with that damn rope.

There was a girl on the bus (AKA Marsha) and I swear she got uglier by the hour. When the trip started, her hair was done make up was on, nice clothes, nice ass. She gave everyone the impression that she had cash. What the fuck you takin' the bus for honey? My buddy and I sat in the middle of the bus and quickly gobbled up the acid that we had brought.

Of course all the cool guys brought beer and more beer. It was their mission to drink a beer an hour. We sat as far from the shitter as possible. 20 hours into the trip, puke was everywhere. The toilet was jammed up with shit, toilet paper and puke. Marsha had fallen asleep and woken up about 12 times during the trip. She had seat impressions stuck to the side of her face along with her skanky hair and drool. Very attractive.

When we arrived, we found that every bar, hotel and pool side was packed with drunken college kids. MECCA! we have arrived. Upon closer look however we realized that for every woman, there were about 4 guys. Not the best odds. Especially when you are just regaining the ability to speak.
If you are willing to work it and put up with drunken slurs and meaningless sex... then spring break is for you.

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