Well, this has to be the final nail in the Michael-Bay-Can-Go-Suck-His-Own-Dick-Until-
He-FINALLY-Suffocates coffin. He's cinematically sodomized the memory of those killed in Pearl Harbor, now it's the transformers. Can somebody please end this man?
 
A comment was made by a Bay associate recently how it's become trendy to make fun of him, seeing as how even Trey Parker's done it with the musical number in "Team America." Funny thing is, just because something's trendy doesn't make it wrong or suddenly out of style. Wiping your ass, brushing your teeth... These are ideas that people as a species didn't always succumb to, but caught on and soon became trendy for quite good reason. Revoking Micheal Bay's right to make films out of anything that could possibly be sacred to anyone, even sequels to his own semi-decent movies (ahhhhem-Bad-Boys-2-blew), is an idea of the like.

We've heard about how he doesn't care about impressing fans of the cartoon. We've heard how he goes nuts on the set. We've heard enough by now.

You don't get to shrug off what fans think if you're not gonna improve a thing about what they're a fan of. You don't get to "go Kurtz" (or whatever the hell these arrogant Hollywood princesses in the director's chair call it) if your movie is literally a bad joke compared to "Apocalypse Now."

It's hilarious how Bay kept the scene in the movie that serves as a hint of a joke about George W. Bush, because Michael Bay is hands down the George W. Bush of filmmakers. I'd explain that whole analogy, but really, you do the math and just realize what a goddam perfect analogy it is.
 
That said, we'll go to the plot. No, wait, screw the plot. Jesus, we didn't need a plot here. Not that we get one, but nobody was really asking for a plot, real character development, or even the slightest hint of coherence in any shred of the overall package here. We knew it was Michael Bay and we'd get shit like unfunny star cameos that were meant to be funny, hot chicks playing computer hackers, lame love story lameness, and all of the like.

All we asked is that, if you're gonna make a movie about machines that turn into robots with cannons and shit on them, you make it somewhat cool, and Bay couldn't even pull that off. They look cool, I guess, but that's about it. In fact, the portion of the flick that sucked the least was the opening half-hour-and-change, because it had the kooky humor that everyone's willing to laugh at just for the sake of how we're all in a good mood over the fact that we all know the movie's gonna get better soon.

There is hope in this segment, and soon all hope dies. After the first chase sequence, with Bumblebee outrunning Barricade (Bumblebee's a Camaro and Barricade's a Decepticon, but we'll let all that slide because we can forgive things like that unless we're still pissed off Santa Claus isn't real), the action becomes such a bunch of noisy-clunky-what-the-hell-is-going-on-
and-who's-fighting-who crap that it almost could rightfully be called, dare say, BORING.
 
I'd explain all the who's-who of the characters, but really, you don't care about the humans, and when it comes to the robots you either know it going in or you're gonna forget it the second you leave, so why bother? Let's just say that Megatron and his Decepticons don't really show up until the last half hour of this 2 hour and 20-some minute piece of garbage (until then we're mostly stuck with this Gremlin-like wacky bad robot that reminds one of those lame robots that attached themselves to Anakin and Obi Wan's ships in the amazingly-lame-yet-ten-times-better-than-this-bullshit "Revenge of the Sith" -- the thing turns into a boom box, and not even a cool one, then hops around while making silly noises as if anyone thinks it's cute or wants to see it finally go down in the overblown showdown it has with Jon Voight and some others near the end -- oh, and it was never even in the cartoon, so it's not even fun in a nostalgic way). Oh, and let's just also say that when it comes to the fate of good guys, I guess the so-old-it's-been-teased-in-movies-as-bad-as-"Deep Blue Sea"-by-now "black guy dies" rule still even applies to robots in Michael Bay World. Don't worry if you consider that there a spoiler, you won't care much. You'll only care if you watched the cartoon or had the toys and care about how lame they made this particular character to begin with.
 
The fact that movies like this get made is a fact of money-grubbing ol' Hollywood, but the fact that movies like this get made out of pretty cool concepts that have a built-in fanbase and manage to suck this hard after they've given you a build-up and done interviews with the sacks of shit in charge of it as if they're worth interviewing or even allowing to continue working in their field is plain disgusting to anyone who respects movies as any form of storytelling.

We didn't ask for the world here, we just asked for our money's worth, and now they've stolen our dough once again -- even worse, they've used what was a solid piece of childhood for a few to guarantee the sale. Really, how many people have you heard say by now, "Well, it looks lame, but I've gotta see it, it's Transformers"?
 
One mustn't feel guilty if they want to blame Steven Spielberg for NOT stepping in as director here. He's the producer and liked the idea as a movie, which gives him even more responsibility than he had to say "of course" when George Lucas asked him to direct the Star Wars prequels.

Not only has Spielberg let Star Wars suck, he's let the transformers suck as well now, all by not just manning up. As he called "Munich" a prayer for peace, I'm calling this review a prayer for Michael Bay's violent death. Someone may wanna shoot the screenwriters as well.
 
(one bong, to be used for shoving up Michael Bay's ass until the glass causes internal bleeding which slowly takes his life)