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God All Mighty, will it be nice to finally hear everyone shut up about this overrated crap. This thing used to be about perception of reality, but now it's safe to say that "shit blowing up" is the point to be preached. Special effects? Yeah, they're always fun. Plots are nice to throw into the mix as well though, but the Wachowski brothers have forgotten about that wrinkle.

Let's see if I can take a crack at the plot... Okay, um, the machines are coming to trash Zion (the last human city) and have to be blown up immediately. Whew.

Sorry kids, I missed the second one (and they told me THAT ONE sucked), so I may sound a bit ignorant here. Maybe there was a scene somewhere in there where Morpheus ate a bunch of Weight Gainer 4000, because I spent most of my time wondering how the hell he managed to put on two chins and a pair of tits between the first movie and this one just by eating that generic protein glop they had in "The Matrix."

Not only does Morpheus no longer talk all eloquently and enunciate his words like he's in the middle of a spelling bee, he's a fat son of a bitch who doesn't even have a place in the story. I guess they kept him for the fans, because he should have been killed off at the end of the second one if all they were going to do with him in "The Matrix Revolutions" was have him stand around and look worried and say unnecessary lines like "You're one hell of a pilot." He has no importance whatsoever here.

As far as the rest of the newer cast, I've never seen so many people say "god dammit" and "god damn" in a single movie before. Did everyone in this trilogy start believing in God all of a sudden, or is it just a goddam shitty screenplay? Probably the latter, but oh well. It would have been nice to be able to tell some of the characters apart by how they spoke, god damn it. At least the Oracle (replaced for the final chapter with an actress that looks like Morgan Freeman) minds her potty mouth enough to stand alone.

This brings it down to the action... I'm sorry, but after you see Agent Smith punch Keanu so hard that Keanu flies away only to fly back and punch Agent Smith so hard that he flies away over 100 times in a row, boredom takes over. They're not going to bleed, they're not going to bruise. No matter how slow the slow motion gets (yes, even if we can see a fist stylishly punching through falling raindrops), the outcome remains predictable -- something that requires even more special effects is going to have to happen before anyone goes down.

If there's one thing that this whole trilogy can be poked fun at for, it's for taking itself too seriously, and "Revolutions" takes the taco for that flaw. Characters we couldn't give a rat's ass about are given entire subplots based on their undying love for one another. Other characters are given death scenes that give them more dialogue in their last-dying-words monologues than they've had in good health throughout the rest of the movie. As soon as the mayhem calms and the screen goes black, the overdone choir music blasts from the speakers like the singers are yelling at us to stay in our seats and watch the damn credits.

Personal growth from this experience? Well, if we are all just living in the Matrix and I find out about this, I'm staying put in my little gel-cap. The battle for Zion looks like it would just be too damn annoying, as would the people I would have to live with after the war for humanity.

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