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DON'T DO IT! THE OLD WHITE PEOPLE ARE LYING TO YOU!!! THIS IS NOT A GOOD MOVIE!! THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE YOU OLD!!!

For Christ's sake, can someone just come out and say it?!?!? This movie is phucking boring as shit, who cares if it's directed by Scorcese and about an American icon? That doesn't make it more exciting than watching someone take a crap, does it?


Someone taking a crap is sensational! The smells, the sweat on the brow, the grunts, that's phucking entertainment! Oooh, wait, do I sound crazy now? Crazy like Leo -- err, Howard Hughes? Sooo crazy! Not at all a bunch of overdramatic garbage pleading for an Oscar as if a trophy is the cure for cancer. Ready for this? There's a part in the "oh dear, he's going crazy" sequence (in which Leo spends about a full half hour writhing on the ground naked) where Leo (by the way, no, there isn't any point in the movie where you think you're watching anyone but Leo copping a hick accent) pees into an empty milk jar... puts it on the ground... next to another milk jar full of pee... and the SCORE CLIMAXES, MUSIC SWELLS as we pull back to reveal... A WHOLE LINE OF PEE JARS!!! SO MUCH PEE!!! OOOOOOOOH, HE'S SO CRAZYYYYY!!!!!

This is the movie little kids are dreading being taken to by their parents, the Oscar nominee that Christian Slater referred to as "geriatric, coffee table dogshit" in True Romance, the movie for mature people that you say is good in public so folks you're trying to impress don't think you're an uncultured punk. This movie blows.

Leo sucks some serious dick here, not only because he's out of his league (yes, I know he played a retard once and did a good job -- that doesn't make him Brando, kids), but because... no, he's just out of his league. Let's rip the other nominees a new asshole now, shall we? Some mercy for Alan Alda, who just plain did a good job at being himself on camera and not forgetting his lines in a pretty straight role that didn't require much more than the right casting, but Cate Blanchett? It seems as if every time someone does a decent imitation of a celebrity (besides Jim Carrey), there's a special award for it. Katharine Hepburn may have been eccentric in her speech, but no human being could talk like Cate Blanchett's portrayal and not get beaten up every day, I don't care where they live.

The script never climaxes or goes anywhere, although the music (era knock-off crap) seems to climax in certain areas where I guess it was supposed to be emotional. Not once do we identify with the Hughes character in the slightest. Never is he humanized. Even when he's losing his phucking mind, one gets the feeling that him going crazy is supposed to be more important than anyone else on the planet who has ever gone crazy. I AM LEO, AND I AM NAKED, AND I AM UNSHAVEN. LOOOOOK AT MY LONG FINGERNAILS! LOOOOOK AT MY BURNS THAT COME FROM THE ONLY INTERESTING SCENE IN THIS 3-HOUR BORE-FEST! LOOOOOK AT ME LOOOOOSE MYYYYY MIIIIIIIIND.

Don't be a jackoff. Go see Ice Cube's "Are We There Yet?" instead, it's shorter and you can go do something with your life for the extra hour and a half. By the way, that one interesting scene? He crashes a plane and gets phucked up, it's cool. Probably why this thing is nominated for best editing too, although the seasoned viewer can catch a million stupid mistakes everywhere else in the flick (look for the fifteen year-old chick's spoon when she's eating a sundae and see how many times her hand magically moves from her chest to her mouth to the table in the blink of an eye -- magical).

(one bong -- would have been two, denoted for pretentiousness on top of lameness and the fact that you feel ten years older walking out of the theater than you did going in)

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