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"The dead travel fast." That's the "ooooh, this is gonna be scaaaary" tag-line on the poster of this Stephen King thriller. What one must keep in mind is that Stephen King writes a book every phucking week and that "the dead travel fast" is, as the movie admits, from Bram Stoker's Dracula. So, we can be clear that there's no originality and that this is recycled crap.

I only saw it because my gal friend I was with had already seen "Garden State" during an emotional time with her dude and didn't wanna check it out again.

Plus, we were with her gal friend who had just come out of the closet, so she wasn't sure she would wanna check out a guy-girl kissy-kissy love story (I guess that does kind of make sense, I suppose I did wait for cable to check out "Jeffrey" and "Kiss Me, Guido." Wait a minute, did I just admit to having seen those? Phuck you, I'm not gay). Bottom line, we went for the asexual thriller to make everyone happy. It wasn't painfully bad, but I did want my money back by the end. I mean, come on. You know how many tacos $8 can buy?

The flick started with a naked, hot blonde chick posing for a nude portrait in an art class. YES, I thought. Liked where this was going. Good story, knows its audience. Then the camera pans back to cute-as-a-button Erica Kristensen (maybe I misspelt her name, the girl from "Traffic" who becomes a crack whore). SWEET. Chicks. At this point, I thought I'd slipped my way into a sweet deal. If the movie sucked, at least I had hot chicks to do the private-movie-in-my-head thing to. But then, the camera goes to some dude (don't know the actor's name, guess he wasn't bad, gal friend told me he played the bad guy in "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, but that's not the point) who's drawing the naked chick's portrait -- a blonde corpse with the Grim Reeper standing over it. Grrrreat. Another phucking flick about people I have to see in real life every day and have absolutely no sympathy for. Here is our main character. While we soon find out that the story takes place in the early 70's (good music, before disco) and get slightly excited, that all goes to hell when our little goth boy hits the road in a hitchhiking venture to go visit his mom (Barbara Hershey, nice to see she still has a job), who has just had a stroke.

If you can't figure out what the twist on everyone who picks him up is after reading "The dead travel fast," congratulations, you're a retard and should be smacked in the head on your way out of the theater by the zit-faced teenager who took your money to allow you through the door in the first place so you could go sit in a dark room for an hour-and-a-half to watch some 70's goth kid learn to appreciate how life may not be perfect, but darn it, it's worth livin'.

BOTTOM LINE: There are chicks for the first 10 minutes, THEN THEY ALL DISAPPEAR AND ARE REPLACED BY OLD PEOPLE AND DAVID ARQUETTE!!! Be warned. That is the scariest thing about this movie. It relies on shit like animals suddenly getting gruesomely run over by big cars way too often, and isn't scary unless you're from France.


All the same, like I said, it's not painfully bad. No human being would go into this movie expecting some life-changing experience, so it can be enjoyed somewhat for what it is -- the movie you live with and see the good in when you're with two people who don't want to see the better movie that's playing.

(two bongs)

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