Pop culture Politics Perversion Advice Speedmonkey.net

Details

Rate

Images

There’s only one word to describe this movie: AARGH!! Okay, that was stupid. There are actually a few more. “Pirates of the Caribbean” does what it promises to by living up to a theme park ride.

There is no other great pirate film or Robert Louis Stevenson novel to compare it to. For the most part, it’s a fun hoot ‘n’ holler. Just don’t expect to not laugh at the movie (as opposed to with it) a few times.

If the Castro Street Playhouse in San Francisco put on a pirate show, there would be a few backstage conflicts over who gets to wear exactly what Johnny Depp dressed himself in. Hail Johnny Depp. Hail that man. He’s a damn good actor who has prided himself in playing “character” characters his whole career.

However, no one can escape who they are; Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) has to be the prettiest pirate to ever scourge the seas. With his mascara, whiteboy dreadlocks, blouse-like shirt, and full goatee (with cute little beads on it), Depp creates a character that right-wing mothers across the country will dread seeing their sons dress as come Halloween.

Orlando Bloom (the magical elf from “Lord of the Rings”) plays William Turner, an ambitious young blacksmith who has a hard-on for Elizabeth (newcomer Kiera Knightley), the governor’s daughter. Of course, Elizabeth is being wooed by a British commodore who her father himself wants to put out for.

When Elizabeth is kidnapped by the evil Captain Barbosa (a bored Geoffrey Rush), Johnny Depp and Orlando bloom must join forces to save her, the goal being that Johnny gets Barbosa’s ship (you guessed it, the Black Pearl) and Orlando scores some sweet honey.

Of course, they need to find some back-up, which is where Johnny’s old motley crew of pirate friends comes in: the bearded leader, the straggly drunkard, the token bald midget, and… the hot black chick, one with flowing dark hair, “do me” eyes, and smooth brown skin that is straight out of a Noxema commercial. Oh, and she smacks Johnny for stealing her little boat in the beginning.

Johnny owes her something. Oh, and Johnny’s also the only other lead cute guy in the movie. See where this one’s going? Cliches galore and a predictable vibe keep these “Pirates” from ever really setting sail, but who cares? It’s an action-packed pirate movie with Johnny Depp and a bunch of explosions.

It’s fun, and that’s all that summer movies really need to be. On top of that, there are indeed a few visuals that almost make it look like a real movie and not a popcorn show.

And what choice do you have? Either watch Johnny Depp play dress-up, or go see a redheaded Tobey Maguire bounce up and down on a horse with his “Wow, neato!” face in slow motion for three hours.

Read more movie reviews

Name
Email
Comment