These eyes have seen it all now -- a Charlize Theron titty shot where Charlize's nakes body looks none-too-appealing. If you are ready to look into the Bucket of Truth and scar your vision with such horrors, then you are ready to see "Monster." Otherwise, it's not something sent from the heavens.

While Theron does give a great performance in this one-sided retelling of Eileen Vurdos (however it's spelt) and the killing spree that made her the first woman put to death in America and the country's first serial killer, something seems to be missing here that a story about such morbid subject matter needs in order to stand out as a daring work of art: any hint of optimism.

Maybe Eileen didn't have it, but she's dead, and we'd like some thread of common bond here to relate to one word she's preaching. Reality check, honey: Pretty much EVERY little girl dreamed of being a beautiful princess or movie star.

What the film's main focus on is the love story between Eileen and Selby Ward (a magnificent Christina Ricci). The killing spree stuff doesn't start until a half hour into the movie, after we've gotten a chance to grow close to and care for our main character (or have we?). From the very beginning, Eileen narrates us through the story of her life with quirky little jokes and lighthearted sarcasm that are only supposed to pull our heartstrings more for the sympathy vote. However, the ongoing murders make it harder and harder to give a rat's ass whether or not our little anti-hero gets arrested at the end.

The first guy put down is a rapist, which is fine. After watching a woman get raped and beaten, only a true pacifist (or fellow rapist, perhaps) could possibly be bothered over watching the son of a bitch get his guts blown out with a .357 magnum. The thing is, Eileen obviously did not stop there, and while the film does indeed acknowledge that she felt trapped and aware of the fact that her actions were wrong (why the courts didn't give her insanity and let her off with life in prison or institution time), it does not reel us in enough to make us quite understand how a person could be driven to do such terrible things.

As Eileen is led off to her doom in the end, she narrates "Love conquers all... Where there's life, there's hope... Everything happens for a reason... Hell, they've gotta tell you something." This sticks, not because it's bitter sarcasm emits such poetic truth about a tragic situation, but because it really seals the deal that writer/director Patty Jenkins must have felt some serious sympathy for her murderous subject because she never had a chance or something. Well, if that was the case, shucks, I guess I'm glad that I'm not Eileen Vurdos. Still though, while it would be too bold to say this movie isn't a solid debut and a promising start to Jenkins' career, nothing about "Monster" made me so glad. (three bongs)