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Maybe this should be called "Michael Mann's Vice," because the guy seems to now be obsessed with showing us his little home-shot, $120 million budgeted videos instead of films. Why the hell does he think you can put people like Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell, and the now-trendy-and-no-longer-trying Jamie Foxx into a flick shot on video and have it feel anything like the raw, gritty, documentary-like "Ooh! It's like you're THERE with them!" vibe he's going for?

Did anyone really think of Tom Cruise as a random, grey-haired hitman in ol "Collateral"? Probably no more than anyone thinks Colin "Pretty-Ass" Farrell is a grungy vice officer. What the hell is next, Ashton Kutcher as a young Hitler in the next black-and-white Holocaust film? WE DON'T BUY IT. STOP MAKING MOVIES LOOK LIKE VIDEO SURVEILLANCE AND LET THEM BE MOVIES, especially when they're based on an 80's TV show that had a guy in a hot pink tank top as the hero.

Not that we want some lame-ass "Starsky and Hutch" campy take on it, but shit man! HONOR THE 80'S ALREADY!! We're healthily getting back to where a guy can deliver a kooky line before killing off a bad guy and get away with it on film. Not that Mann's style of movie direction is unneeded anywhere. "Heat" worked in his favor, but not only was it shot on film (ahem, sorry buckos, video still looks like video, even if its cheaper and makes you think you're edgy), it stayed true to one tone throughout. "Miami Vice" tries to be "Heat" (on video) and then has pretty little Colin in his pretty little mustache (which only makes him look gay, not grungy) sweeping chicks off their feet and doing a bad impersonation of Don Johnson (listen to his voice in this one -- nah, just keep your ears open, you'll hear it).

To keep it "real," Mann has little tidbits and subplots that never go anywhere, like Tubbs' chick being weird around Crockett for whatever reason (as if we could care enough to try and come up with theories) and a mole in the good guys' system who never really gets discovered. With music clearly picked out by someone who has no idea what crap has been used in millions of Pepsi commercials by now and what hasn't, they may as well have stuck with the TV show's 80's soundtrack and taken a risk by just putting Farrell in the neon pink and saying "FUCK YOU! IT'S COOL!!!" And it could be!!! Why not?! This ain't the 90's anymore, we don't have some desperation to prove our way out of any insecurities about liking good old 80's action flicks!
Remember them? The pre-Colombine flicks? Yeah, the ones that had BALLS. Fuckin' "Commando." "Lethal Weapon." Robocop." "Miami Vice" the show was COOL, and phuck the insecure dingleberry who'd say it would have to be straight comedy if they made a flick from THAT. Here, we have a black guy and a white guy in Miami who are cops. Next to that, this could have been titled "Black and White Cops in Miami." They didn't need to waste the "Miami Vice" flick on this shit.

Aside from that, hey, it has moments. Few and far between (don't expect any action for another 90 minutes after the first scene of violence), but it has moments. Enough to pay your hard-earned money for? Maybe not, but you'll have to see this one on the big screen if you're gonna do it, otherwise you won't take in the lovely scenery of Havana and just end up paying attention to the laughable dialogue and shitass performances that are overlapped onto a flick that's supposed to look like some first-hand account of real cops on the job. Sidenote: Colin Farrell is a decent actor, as is Jamie Foxx. Why these two fell asleep for the production may be due to how Farrell drinks too damn much and Foxx thinks anything that he does after "Ray" will be seen as good, but they failed miserably.

(two bongs)

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