What sucks more than a hands-down shitty movie? A good movie that could've been great, like "Kingdom of Heaven." First, props to everyone involved for not absolutely screwing the pooch here, because some retards were speculating how this could be the end of the genre if it sucked along the lines of "Troy," King Arthur," and "Alexander." As if the fact that those movies sucked was due to the fact that they took place in a certain time and period where people fought with swords, not because they were piles of unforgivable crap made of budgets that could've gone to starving children or cancer research. Leave it to the Hollywood geniuses to blame the genre on the fact that their friends are producing crap within it. Anyway, enough of that.
The accomplishments of director Ridley Scott are showcased like a brand new model of your favorite car here; this is a man who simply belongs behind a camera. The acting, music, cinematography, editing, everything... damn near flawless. Trouble is, the story is blah. Yes, that may sound odd, seeing as how a tale from the crusades based on monumental historical figures like the great Saladin should be anything but "blah," but it is.
The simple reason is that, no matter how epic or "important to our times" a picture may be, we still need a human story that we give a shit about to guide us through it, and that's what's missing here.
While we can't accuse anyone here of a laughably overdone performance, one can't really identify with how or why exactly Orlando and Eva hook up. Maybe, yeah, his wife is dead and her husband's a dick, but whatever makes these two want more than youthful nookie with each other never really gets developed.
Adding to that list of what's lacking, Orlando never really seems to have a relationship with his father (Liam Neeson) that would solidify how much he's compared to him by other characters throughout the film. It's as if nobility and strength are in the genes, which is... bullshit. Liam's around for about twenty minutes, fifteen of which he's hanging out with Orlando. Every basic human relationship here is shallow as hell. It's as if the writer spent his whole life in a history book instead of interacting with other people... Ohhh, now I get it. Yeah. That's exactly what happened. Poor guy. Oh well, at least he's making bucks now. Maybe he can get some cocaine and prostitutes.
The story starts off quite well, Orlando stabbing a priest with a hot iron rod and then throwing his ass into a fire within the first three minutes, but then pretty much drags for an hour and a half. Due to the lack of emotion and humanity, what keeps you awake is the absolute professionalism of the production.
While no one can truly say what Jerusalem looked like back then, what we get looks pretty damn accurate. Even when there are no sweeping vistas, it's quite a beautiful flick. Again though, it drags. Then... WHAMMO!!! Nonstop action for about forty minutes, and everything looks cool and real. The problem? We don't really care too much who lives, dies, wins, or loses. When the final outcome of Jerusalem (for the moment) is decided, the characters certainly seem emotional, but we're left high and dry.
It's a pity Scott has to keep doing these movies that offer so much for a director but so little for an audience. While "Black Hawk Down" looked and felt accurate, the choppy script that was overloaded with "war is hell" and "brotherhood of soldiers" cliches just flunked the interesting story test, even though it was (yet again) based on some very true and disturbing history. And while "Gladiator" had some silly-ass shit in it and was maybe a bit formulaic, it's cozy predictability is almost missed when you're dealing with characters who could live or die and still make no impression whatsoever.
Well-made movie, boring story. Watch it if you're a film student, buy the DVD if you want Orlando's pee-pee, read a phucking book if you care about the crusades.
(three bongs)
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