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The baddest heeb this side of Tel Aviv. That’s the slogan to let us know what we’re in for on “The Hebrew Hammer,” a flick that debuted at Sundance and has aired on Comedy Central since 2003’s Christmas Season. Oops. “Holiday” Season. Don’t mind me, I still have trouble saying “women voters.” Just kidding.

Anyway, if you missed “The Hebrew Hammer,” here’s the rundown – Adam Goldberg (the dork who gets his ass kicked in “Dazed and Confused,” the Jewish soldier who gets stabbed to death by a Nazi in arguably the most phucked-up scene of “Saving Private Ryan”) finally drops his “help, I’m getting beaten up” act for the leading role of Mordechai, a rebel from “the chood” who is better known as the Hebrew Hammer, a shitkickin’ skinny dude dressed like a combo between Ron O’Neal in “Superfly” and Steven Seagal in every movie he’s ever been in (except the one where he wore that cute little Eskimo coat – Inuit, sorry, I’m horrid).

Basically, he’s Super-Jew with no cape. He does have special powers, but I’ll let you watch the damn movie this time instead of spoiling everything like I always do. Anyway, no, this interview isn’t with Adam Goldberg, so phuck you. It is, however, with the writer, director, and creator of the first “jewxploitation” flick, Jonathan Kesselman, whose next venture will be “It’s a Man’s World,” starring Christina Ricci and Goldberg.

No more of that though. This won’t be your average “how’d you dooooo it?” interview. In researching the young auteur, I found that everyone had asked the poor guy the same phucking questions over and over again. Do you really need to know about his family background, artistic intentions, or schooling? Probably no more than he needs to know about yours. If you do, look his name up and go to some other website, you pathetic dork.

What, do you think knowing how he got to where he is will help you succeed in topping him one dreamy day? Let it go. He’s making movies with real movie stars and you aren’t. He may not be Keanu, but chances are he’s going to be a hell of a lot more famous than you’ll ever be, so I think it’ll be better for all of you if we just humanize him now and get answers to the little questions that connect us all. That way, you can relax and accept your place in life. Here we go.

Dr. Tom: Do your nuts itch when you exercise?

JK: I don’t exercise, so I wouldn’t know. They do itch sometimes when I masturbate.

Dr. Tom: Ever tuck your dick between your legs for a few minutes and pretend you were a girl?

JK: Yeah, I’ve done that a couple of times.

Dr. Tom: Was it scary for a second?

JK: No. It was actually pretty erotic. Especially after the bikini wax.

Dr. Tom: What are some random pet peeves of yours that you feel make you “you?”

JK: I can have intercourse non-stop for 76 hours, my shit doesn’t have any discernible odor, and I’m better than most people.

Dr. Tom: Is Mel Gibson evil?

JK: Let’s see. He’s rich, good looking, and starred in Lethal Weapon 4. I’m gonna go with evil.

Dr. Tom: If you were a stuffed animal, what would you name yourself?

JK: Ummm, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have the ability to give myself a name because I’d be a stuffed animal.

Dr. Tom: If you were held at gunpoint by Fred Savage and either had to rape him, blow him, or switch bodies and identities with him forever, which would it be?

JK: I thought you were going to ask the tough questions! I would make Fred Savage’s asshole my very own personal crisping sleeve.

Dr. Tom: Cake or pie?

JK: Pie.

Dr. Tom: When do you do feel most badass?

JK: When I’m making a movie, and everybody is forced to pretend to listen to me.

Dr. Tom: What kind of female does it take to accept a four million dollar diamond as an apology from her husband for sodomizing another woman after a basketball game?

JK: I didn’t have intercourse with that woman, I swear! Can’t you just let it go already!?

Dr. Tom: If you could turn any living celebrity into a Jew just for the fun of it, who would it be?

JK: Mel Gibson.

Dr. Tom: If you were a cool mutant, like in X-Men, what would your special power be?

JK: The power to actually get paid for my work.

Dr. Tom: What can make a gorgeous woman turn hideous in a second (besides a bad fart)?

JK: Los Angeles.

Dr. Tom: Ever wish you were Elvis?

JK: Not really. I don’t think I’d handle fat and sweaty very well.

Dr. Tom: Ever cry over the fact that you’re not Elvis?

JK: No. Yes. Is this a trick question?

Dr. Tom: If you could give Hollywood one note, what would it be (besides “make better movies”)?

JK: Please recognize my genius before I have to declare bankruptcy.

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