Pop culture Politics Perversion Advice Speedmonkey.net

Details

Rate

Images

Feeling slightly compelled to go check out this flick out of sheer curiosity, seeing as how it's gotten such great reviews from some respectable critics, I felt ten times more compelled to do something else (and did) ten to fifteen minutes into the film. Walk out.

Why? Truth be told, it was the crappiest ten minutes of narrative film I've seen in years. This includes EVERYTHING I've bashed, from "Boogeyman" to "The Aviator."

Starting with a long, stagnant angle of two guys whose outfits alone and stereotypical "whatever" calm for their given roles had them pegged as (you guessed it) hit men from frame one, this thing actually thinks it's surprising you when it reveals that they're leaving a dead silent motel because they've just killed some people. Oooooooh, then comes the part when one guy points a gun at a little girl and fires, which carries us right into the next scene of a different little girl waking from a nightmare and giving a scream that might as well scream itself "crappy child actor."

Maybe this shit looked good on paper. Viggo Mortensen, the little girl's daddy, rushes into the room to make sure she's okay. Then her big brother shows up, delivering a comforting line about how to make the monsters in the dark go away. Then the loving mother (Maria Bello) shows up with a smile and a "What's wrong, Baby?" The whole family gathers around to smile and make sure Little Sis is okay. Okay, we get it. They're happy.

Whether or not any family in the history of humankind has ever done this in real life is a different story, but hey, we're trying to manipulate an audience here. The next morning, Big Bro comments at the breakfast table (at which the whole fam sits together) that he'll probably "suck hard" in the outfield today at P.E., to which Viggo gives some lame-ass line about always keeping your head up (literally and metaphorically) if you wanna win the big game. Well, Big Bro does just that, and catches a fly ball that wins his team the game. Okay, so our hero Viggo's a great dad. Memorize it. This whole baseball scene is followed by the school bully, a little jerkoff with a mullet, following Big Bro into the locker room and trying to start a fight over not winning a PE baseball game with dialogue and acting right out the scenes that were left on the editing room floor of "She's All That!"

Next, make sure we know Viggo's loved by his happy little town. He walks down the street, picking up trash and waving to smiling neighbors (no, I'm serious, he's literally picking up trash) who all know his name and love him. He goes to work... Score! Everyone there likes him too. Next, the date with the wife while the kids are with some relative. Maria gets into her high school cheerleader outfit, playing the part of the teenage vixen for Viggo for some sexy games. They smile a lot. Viggo makes a cute little joke, "Rah Rah Sis-boom-bah!," before taking her panties down, to which Maria says (with a smile) "You are a bad boy!" Without showing any nudity, he eats her out for about a minute straight. They then commence sixty-nining.

It was here where my colleague and I cracked up uncontrollably at how severely awkward this crap was and left the theater. Not only was this piece of garbage showing off ten straight minutes of smiling and kooky dialogue to drill into its dumbass audience's heads that these people are really happy before Viggo's "history of violence" is uncovered, it was becoming a clothes-on porno with the intention of a Disney flick and the vibe of a peep show.

Literally, the very opening of this flick could be shown in film schools to display what NOT to do if one really wants anyone to give a rat's ass whether the leading characters get sodomized by a manatee and murdered. I'm sure I missed some really clever twists in this "thriller" by bailing, but therein lies the rub -- twists on a worthless-ass story with characters whose only dimensions will be brought out by shocking "twists" instead of any similarities to actual humans simply don't cut it. This movie sucked ass. All ten minutes I sat through. I don't give a shit if William Hurt displayed his best acting in years. I missed it, and I'm not crying.

(one bong)

Read more movie reviews

Name
Email
Comment