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This movie kicks ass. While, yes, it has moments of overdone slow motion and moments of overdone "my, isn't that magical imagery" (flying's good enough, skipping over water while fighting is a tad flamboyant), the end result is art that is actually cool, not just artsy.

Jet Li plays, well, his awesome self as usual, but his character's name in this one is called Nameless. He's an assassin who has just taken down the three most indestructible phuckers in China (or has he?) and is now sitting before the Emperor to explain how he's done it.

The flick is in flashbacks, some from Nameless' point of view and some from the Emperor's. This Emperor, Emperor Qin of the first dynasty China had as a joined country, was (in real life) the guy who joined the seven kingdoms of China to make it one land, "our land" as the movie states.

While it does touch on how people had to die for this unifying goal to be accomplished, the movie sorta-kinda glorifies the eggs-to-make-an-omelette way of thinking and fails to mention the absolute sick animal Qin was -- he wiped out anyone who got in the way of his beautiful dream of "one land" (which would be ruled by, you guess it, him), which included quite a few innocent children... oh, and some of his own relatives.

While he did unify China as one land (ruled by a tyrant), the one land liked him so much that his dynasty lasted 15 years, the shortest any emperor had. If you hate to read, check out "The Emperor and the Assassin," another Chinese flick about the guy who tried to kill Qin (although that one's longer and not as blatantly cool).

For those of you who do know some Chinese cinema, you'll be stoked to see Maggie Cheung kicking ass in "Hero." While some of you may be rooting more for Zhang Ziyi, our favorite bad girl from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," those of you who've been blessed with the vision of "The Bride With White Hair" (if you think foreign movies are boring, the Wu-Tang Clan stole their name from this movie, that's how cool it is) should be happy to know that the Bride (no, not Uma Thurman) is back, and she is dealier/sexier than ever here.

The plot? Let's just say that I'd spoil too much if I told you. Just go see the damn thing, it's (for lack of a better word) beautiful. Some things work best as comics, some as books, some as plays. This is a film. Check it out. Or, no, wait, forget that, go see Josh Hartnett in "Wicker Park," that's probably better.

(five bongs)

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