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You guys probably weren't gonna see this one anyway, but here's a review to reaffirm that you had the right idea. This thing starts with the vibe of a pissed-off, low budget sequel to "Gladiator" with its expositional text on the screen that explains how England is the only country that stands against the Spanish Inquisition, then doesn't give us a damn shred of how horrific the Inquisition was, just some shots of the bad guys in a big, scary Catholic church looking like Catholic bad guys.

The only scene with any torture (this thing's PG-13, don't expect much) is in a Protestant dungeon. Cate Blanchett plays Elizabeth well, Geoffrey Rush returns with grace from the first "Elizabeth" as her high council, and good ol' Clive Owen tackles Sir Walter Raleigh by just being Clive Owen, again in a cool role that's trapped in a dummy-dumb movie (remember "King Arthur"? I don't either).

Whatever. Yet again, we have to watch how hard it is to be a queen who can't love anybody she wants. Blanchett's great, but how many times can we watch someone play the same scene over and over and over? Director Shekhar Kapur, who did the first one and rightfully was left out when the thing garnered 7 Oscar nods, needs to shut up and sit the phuck down. His direction (and the veeery annoying cinematography, going from lame to Michael Bay-esque to fly-on-the-wall-from-above-that-makes-this-thing-look-like-it-was-shot-by-an-intern-who-stole-a-camera-and-kept-sneaking-into-the-room-to-get-a-shot-at-filming-too) was what kept the first one from being great, and he waves his wand of petrified crap again this time.

This thing is trying sooo hard to be epic, but it's put together (aside from the impressive costume design - yes, I noticed, stop calling me gay) like a high school musical on tape. When the final battle (inspired by a historic defeat that could've been a gem on film if it were done by a pro here) is at hand, poor Blanchett has to give the Braveheart/Maximus/Aragorn/Oh-Who-Cares-It's-So-Tired-By-Now speech to her men while she sits on a horse that not only never gets used, but looks so uncomfortable on camera that it's as if there should be horse subtitles that explain how these morons couldn't even hire a proper horse trainer.

Oh, and apparently, queens do a lot of standing around in well-lit rooms as cameras spin around them mercilessly and choir music that's trying to be epic but just comes off as hacked and quite annoying swells. Can we finally say that movies about queens are just boring? Please, somebody name one that isn't. Whatever, good costumes and good for a few laughs if some nagging bitch drags you into it so you can have sex with her.
 
(two bongs)

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