Can't You Smell That Smell?

Most recently I just got out of a 4 year marriage. Oh yeah, Happy Phucking Valentines Day...

Anyway, one of the things I learned as a result of this relationship, other than I'm an insensitive jackass... is, always keep your place clean. Now by 'your place' I mean - your apartment or house. I also of course mean, your body parts... all 2000 of them (See Lever 2000).

Growing up the joke was, 'make sure you have on clean underwear...' Your mother always needed to make sure that if something happened to you which would require the need of a doctor or paramedic, at least you'd have on clean underwear...Now of course the irony was, if you're about to get hit by a car - there's no way you're gonna keep your underwear clean!

Suffice to say, make sure you don't have any tread marks in your underwear.

Now where was I... oh yes, 'keeping your place clean.' You're about to go out for the night - you smell good, you're cleanly shaved, your shirt is ironed, breath mints... you're all good to go, or are you?

Before you make your way out of your house, make sure the place is clean. Throw out all the old pizza boxes you have stacked up on the stove, pick up all the porn you have laying around.. along with the crusty tissues, hide your video games, take out the trash and ALWAYS make sure your place smells good.

Now by, 'good' I don't mean that sweet, sweet aroma of pot... mmmm... nor do I mean those rotting onions in the fridge.

Get some air freshener plug ins. I've spent the last month testing out different ones - all of them are pretty much shit. They aren't strong enough or they run out of 'power.'

All these high tech fans and oils.. the best of all of them - Glade PlugIns with Scented Oil - plug a few in around the house (if you live in a cage like I do, you only need one) and you'll be good to go. Sure, nobody ever comes over but what if that one time...

It's just always a good idea to keep your territory clean. Smell is the strongest sense tied to memory, so don't smell like an ass.

The other night my neighbor and I went out for a drink. A little while later, he was joined by a co-worker and her friend. After a few drinks, my ballsy little British neighbor invites them back to his place for a game of pool.

As we're walking back, I looked at him and said, "There's no way in hell you can bring her back to your place." (Instead bring her back to mine and I'll watch)

You see he's fresh off the boat from England, he's a single guy living as any single guy would - in a complete mess. He smokes cigarettes with the windows shut, the walls are completely bare and unless you enjoy eating 3 day old pizza, there's not much to offer.

I'd be living much the same way if I hadn't been with a woman for the last few years. I've been trained enough now to always be on alert. Except for the fact that I've been using paper towels as toilet paper for the last week...

Anyway - if nothing else, it gives you some self respect. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.. Ya here that G.W!!!