Pop culture Politics Perversion Advice Speedmonkey.net

Forget about being intelligent, secure or independent, you must strive to be skinnier and you must become prettier. There are loads of options available for young teens nowadays. Simply browse through one of your 100 fashion magazines that you no doubt obsess over, cut out the best looking girl, it doesn't matter if she looks nothing like you, bring it in to your local chop shop and for a princely sum, they can get you looking just like your favorite celebrity. Or as close as possible anyway.

As for your weight problem, I think we both know the best solution, cocaine. Load yourself up on some Charlie and you'll be down to your goal weight of 64 pounds. You'll look just like that boy you always wanted to be.

Look, it's not your fault that you think being pretty, skinny, funny and sweet are the only attributes that will get you the man of your dreams. Even if his name is Chanc... wait, what? Phuck, no wonder you're concerned with your weight. With a name like 'Chanc' I bet he's a peach of a guy - maybe some rich jock who can get any and all of the girls he wants, summers in the Hampton's and makes 'the average' girl feel like sticking her finger down her throat, if not to lose weight, but in disgust after watching too many, "Bob Sagat, How To Become Funny Today" videos...

You can't make anybody like you - that kind of obsessive thinking these days leads to school shootings and date rapes. IF someone doesn't like you, it's perfectly fine to be upset and feel hurt, but it's not fine to go back for more. Walk on.