Okay, so I think I already know the answer but I
just need to hear it from someone else who is more educated in this field than most of the people around me. This is my story...

I am 19 years old and moved out of my family home about 2 months ago to a different state to figure out my life and see what it\'s like living on my own. Things have been shaky ever since I arrived. I don\'t have a car, don\'t have any money, and was having a hard time finding a permanent place to live... usually turning into sleeping on the couch of whoever I hanging out with that night. Just recently (3 weeks ago), I got a job as a receptionist for a dealership.

I instantly became attracted to one of my coworkers, a salesman. My second day of work he took me out to lunch as a favor and we ended up having a really nice time. It was great having company of someone friendly, charming, and genuine. He's a "yes maam, my goodness, well golly!" down to earth southern mamas boy who knows how to treat women with respect. As the week went by we flirted and laughed but nothing happened outside of work and we kept it low key so no rumors started. We went out to lunch the next week and I paid. We sat in the car and ate, talked and laughed and just had an overall good, relaxing time with each other.

I found that we had the same requirements for a partner and what we wanted in a relationship, and seemed to connect on more levels than one. This past week we again went out to lunch and had a deep and personal discussion about God and personal matters/morals that deal with Christianity (he's Christian and I am undecided). It seemed like every time we hung out we became more calm and open with each other and really enjoyed each others company. But he also attracted me sexually.

It sounds so cliche but when I look into his eyes I feel like I could stare into them forever. They are so kind and gentle and hold wisdom and experience. We joke about giving each other "foot massages" and how the saying goes "it always starts with a back rub!" And during one of our lunch conversations we both almost blatantly stated that we wanted each other sexually. I was sure it wasn't just "the new girl" appeal that had him interested, that there really was something there, but I was nervous about getting involved with a coworker and that was holding me back from making it anything other then friendly flirting.

The good part starts here: This past Thursday I had to move out of my house but couldn't move into my new house until Saturday. My coworker had already suggested in previous conversation that if I ever needed a place to stay, he had a spare bedroom. So, already interested in him and wanting to see where this was going to go, I asked if I could stay at his house for the weekend until I was able to move into my new house. He said definitely and helped me get my stuff from the old house and brought me to his.

We made dinner together, sat on the deck as a storm passed by and drank wine and talked, then snuggled on the couch, watched a movie while we massaged each others neck and feet, and went to bed around 11:30 since both of us had to be at work the next day. We both assumed the whole "guest bedroom" deal was out of the question. There was definitely some
attraction that needed to be followed. We spooned and he started moving his hands up and down my back, my side, rubbing my stomach, and tried to move to the next level by fingering me but before he could I told him I'd rather not. I wanted him to, desperately, but I knew that if he did, things would lead to sex, and I didn't want it right away. I wanted to make him wait for it. I wanted it to mean something more. We didn't even kiss but we caressed and a few times he kissed my shoulder and the back of my neck in a romantic, gentle way that made me feel confident in my actions. It showed me he didn't mind if we had sex either, that just being with me was good enough for him.

The next morning I woke up and made breakfast, he came downstairs and hugged me from behind, kissed me on the neck and said good morning in a sensual, "last night was great" kind of way. We rode to work, I went in 5 minutes after him, and went along our day like nothing had happened. We both knew this might or might not work and we didn't want to jeopardize our jobs with rumors and drama so we both knew without talking about it, to keep it quiet.

Even so, we couldn't help but to catch each other staring across the showroom floor and he would complain to me in a jokingly manner that he had some "frustrations" that were making him feel stressed. Obviously stating that he wanted me to take care of his "problem".

Throughout the day, I started thinking about it WAY too much. I got over my head and realized that I was wanting something that would never happen.
Now would be a good time to mention he is 35 years old. Never been married, never been engaged, no kids. But... I would never meet his parents. He
would be too embarrassed to introduce me to any of
his friends outside of work. I\'m not too sure, but i'm trying to tell myself that he wants my looks, my body, some young girl drooling over him.

He dosen't want me. He wants the thrill of it all. I'm just a 19 year old broke, homeless and lonely girl. All he wants is someone to fill the void for a while. A housewife, someone to cook him dinner, something to hold at night other than a pillow, someone to massage him and make him feel wanted. But thats all I am.

How could I ever expect a 35 year old to fall in love with me and live happily ever after? It would never work and I realized that sitting at my desk watching him talk to a older brunette on the showroom floor.
 
So I got angry at myself for putting my feelings into yet ANOTHER relationship that I knew wasn't going to work. We drove home last night in silence and he could tell I was in a funk. He asked if it was about him and I said no. Which, technically was the truth because I was angry at myself, not him.

We got home and I immediately poured myself a glass of wine to get rid of some of my stress. I had fallen for him and wanted something that would never work, but I was spending one more night with him and had to show him that I didn\'t want anything to happen between us. Do you know how frustrating it is to want
somebody so bad and you can\'t do anything about  it??!  We ate dinner, I calmed my nerves a bit, and
I was able to get through dinner without breaking down and telling him how I felt...until my 2nd glass of wine.

We went out on the deck and talked for a while about little unimportant things just trying to keep conversation. Then we went to the tv room and as I started on my 3rd glass of wine, and he on his 3rd drink as well, conversation got icky. I brought up our "relationship" and we both exploded. He said things that I never would have expected like \"I would never sleep with you\" and \"I would never date you...You are not my type\" and we both got really heated about the whole thing. When he mentioned that it wasn't a good
idea that I slept in his bed the night before, I told him i'd just sleep in the guest bedroom so he didn't have to worry about it. I went out on the porch to be alone and started crying, overwhelmed by emotion.

He came out and asked if everything was okay. I told him I was fine and we went back inside. We didn't talk about it again and wierdly enough, sat back down on the couch while we watched some tv and I gave him a neck massage. 
 
I was pretty tipsy and I know he was feeling it as well so we called it quits early and went to bed. The atmosphere changed back to what it was before and I followed him to his bedroom where we once again spooned but the feeling was a little different. I think our argument put things out there and he rubbed my back for about a minute but then turned over and went to bed.

We woke up this morning intertwined. Him in his boxers, with his freckled skin and manly chest and arms exposed, the soft little hairs on the back of his neck so close to my face. I wanted to just reach out and kiss him all over his neck and back, I wanted to feel his hands on me. I wanted to look him in the
eyes while he slowly made early morning love to me
like no one had ever done before. But instead, I got up, made breakfast, got my things together, and kept my mouth shut. We talked and laughed on the way to work and once again enjoyed each others company as if nothing had ever happened.

Today at work i've caught him staring at me and have had to be the first one to look away. No sexual innuendos have been said but I feel like his stare is just enough to get my heart racing back up again. Hell come over to my desk and try to spark up conversation about something and all I can do is stare at him, wishing my eyes could tell him how I feel about him.

So I can honestly say that I am completely confused as to what is going on here and what I should do. My head is telling me the right choice is to just let it go. Hide my feelings and let him live his life. But what about our connection? Theres attraction both physically, mentally, and emotionally and I would hate to just give up on something that might actually work, even if it was only short term. I\'m not sure how to approach him about the subject or get his true feelings about things. He acts one way and talks another.

This message is way longer than I expected it to be but I had to get it all out. I guess I just need to hear that I need to put my head before my heart this time and let it alone. If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated before I do something stupid to ruin either my job or my relationship with him. Thank you for your time.

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I'm going to make this quick because it's an urgent matter, but I'll send you a longer response after I've thought about it for a day or so...

You've gotten yourself into a pretty stupid situation. Don't be so weak.  You cry on the deck, then you end up giving him a massage anyway... that's retarded Monica. This guy is using and reducing you. And because of your situation you're buying into it. You don't have a connection with him, if you did, he'd introduce you to your friends etc. You're not seeing
straight.

Put yourself first. Right now Monica, you have no time for a relationship. Get your priorities straight. Judging by your well written email, you're not stupid, so why act like it. Stop giving yourself up and rolling over for
everyone. Your work comes first, got it?

You don't want to have to go back home, so figure it out. You have years of drama ahead of you to look forward to, so for now build yourself up and prepare yourself for the years ahead. Also, stop giving massages.

Good luck.

SM