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In our lifetime, we go through moments of weakness and strength.  Some days/weeks/months we feel more confident than others.. why is that? 

SM calls it, 'Sex Confidence' It's the way we feel about ourselves and the way we perceive other people.  Why is it that when we are totally head over heels with a girl/guy - we suddenly surrender all of our power to them.  We feel the need to call them all the time, we tell them our feelings.. we basically do everything we aren't supposed to do.  Conversely we meet people that we also may like, but because we're not infatuated with them, we let them call us, and we don't check our phone or email every hour to see if they've left you a message. 

If at a particular moment in your life say, work is going well, you've been going to the gym, you're getting a lot more attention from the opposite sex.. you're not in a weak state of mind, you can talk to girls/guys without over stepping yourself like saying something stupid.  Like what?  Keep reading, it gets better... or rather, it gets more painful to read...

If you're in a darker place, say you've been feeling lonely, just coming out of the holidays, or you're coming out of a relationship, you may feel a little more vulnerable.  And by, 'vulnerable' I mean, 'spineless and weak'.  Suddenly you forget how to talk to them, you say stupid things.. like, like this...

Over the last couple months The Monkey has been miserable.  I keep going over my regrets with my ex-girlfriend.  We broke up to re-evaluate our relationship...and now I can't get her to call me.  So please folks - you cannot get them to like you.  You cannot get them to call you.  And it seems that I had forgotten because I've called and text messaged, no response.  And everytime, I hate myself for doing it.  I rationalize, 'oh but it was just a text: 'happy new year' or, 'happy birthday' or, 'can I see you'  (all real text messages that I made within just as many weeks).  After she told me to let her call me when she was ready...

So on to the pathetic part...(I told you it was going to be 'sad' to read).  In the process of trying to figure out if my depression was related to this particular girl or just the holiday time of year or whatever.. I meet this girl.  Gorgeous.  She took my mind right off my ex.  So I figured, great - it's not my ex, it's my overall feeling of loneliness and I'm simply directing it to my last relationship...

The gorgeous girl gives me her phone number and she accepts my invitation to meet up for coffee.  I wait 3 days to call.  I leave a message.  2 very long days later she calls me back.  Tells me she has friends from out of town coming to stay so she can't do coffee, but that we would most definitely meet up the following week.  So, a week later, determined to wait for her to call me, I break within 5 minutes and call her.  Leave another voice message.  15 minutes later she texts me back telling me she's in class busy with a deadline, then going out of town. 

Reading between the lines, I text her back politely wishing her a good evening.  I then go on to delete her contact info.  Phuck knows I don't want to go psycho on her too... so to avoid temptation I thought it a good idea to erase her info. 

Still with me? 

The following day, As I'm out walking my dog, I was dribbling and blubbering all over again thinking about me ex.  This time, I blubbered to myself, I'm going to send my ex an email and tell her how she completes me blah blah phucking blah..  As I'm thinking these gay thoughts, gorgeous girl happens to drive up beside me.  WOW!!  I get ahead of myself, I think, obviously this is meant to be.   We start talking - I then say  'You know, I deleted your contact info, can I get your number again'

Okay, let me repeat that I said to her, 'I deleted your contact info, can I get your number again.' I then went on to explain my reasoning for doing it.  I told her that I had wanted to wait for her to call me and to resist me harassing her, I thought it best blah blah...she thanked me for my honesty, gave me her number again then drove away. 

Later on that night, I get a text; 'I'm not comfortable going for coffee at this time, thank you for your honesty today, take care.' 

So, I did what any rational person would do.  I called her.  Why did I call her?  The reasons are long and obvious.. but let's start with, I'm an idiot and leave it at that for now.   Of course she didn't pick up.. so I left a message trying to re-explain myself.  Did I fix it?  Of course not, what could I possibly have said to have made her change her mind.  Nothing.  Not one damn thing.  I knew that, but I still called.  I guess it's not over until I say it is.  Or until the judge declares 50 yards....

The good news is I've stopped thinking about what a retarded psycho I am by having told her the truth.  Now I’m back to thinking about my ex and the 'connection' we made.  And now, I'm thinking about the connection she's making with her new boyfriend...

Kids, I'm 37 and I sound like a phucking schoolgirl.  It's simple, don't call them.  Be cool and don't spew your feelings within the first day of meeting them.  I met 'gorgeous girl' on the 24th and by the 4th she was done with me... 10 bloody days.  I took it and destroyed it in 10 days?!?!?

Let me be the miserable one so you don't have to.

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