Tag: Advice

Don’t Treat Your Body Like A Sewer, Treat Your Mouth Like One Instead

Feb. 14 Dad's Blog no comments

I’m on the phone with a buddy the other day. I drop the f-bomb. My kid is in the room. Of course I don’t use the word at will (anymore) but once in a while it slips out.

Anyway, he lays into me about needing to watch my language around my children. How he hates when people swear in front of their kids blah blah. F8ck, it’d be different if my kid was older and understood wtf I was saying.

The point is, the guy feeds his f8cking kid KFC and McDonalds and he’s on about me swearing in front of my kids.

Listen, I’d rather treat my mouth as a sewer, than my kid’s body. Someone who’s feeding their 4 year old kid fast food shouldn’t really give parenting tips. But then again, they’re feeding their kid crap, so it’s pretty much all lost on them anyway.

Twitt
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Is That Poop On Your Shirt?

Jan. 03 Dad's Blog, Humor no comments

Growing up, I thought I’d ask and get asked many a question in life. Would you like fries with that? Paper or plastic? Crushed ice or cubed ice? Who called the cops? All pretty standard questions we encounter.

I now have a new and unexpected one to add to the list. “Is that poop on your shirt?”

We have some friends staying over, who also have a kid, which I guess explains why they’d even ask such a question. I mean, when in your normal day, before having kids would you ever think to ask someone if they have fecal matter smeared on the front of their shirt?! I’d just assume it was chocolate.   Anyway, I’m sure they’ll be many more, and if you have any, by all means, share them with us.

Twitt
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I Don’t Know If He Likes Me

Sep. 14 Uncategorized no comments

does he like me?

Here’s a question from a chick…who might be my sister…

okay, so there is this guy i like who i think may like me back. He lately made a point to sit behind me in class and sometimes flirts with me…and i notice him looking at me a lot. Usually there’d be no doubt in my mind that someone liked me once they’ve showed all these signs…but the thing is he has a lot of girls that like him that he sometimes flirts with too…but he claims he doesn’t like them. I’m just really confused as to whether he likes me, or if I’m just another one of his girls to flirt with.

My answer: He likes them and you’re just another one of those girls. Sorry. It’s our ego that wants us to believe differently. Guys like surrounding themselves with many girls. It’s the ‘just in case’ factor. It’s also the immaturity and insecurity factor. Let him flirt with you, but just don’t get too emotionally attached by falling for his smooth ways. Good luck.

Twitt
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Sorry I Didn’t Call. I Lost Your Number…

Aug. 20 Relationships no comments
Dating Tips, Advice For Men Relationships

I Lost Your Number...

You haven’t heard from her in a couple of days and when you do see her she tells you, I lost your number. Bullshit.  But like a fool, you fall for it and give her your number again. You just want to believe that she’s gonna call you, but she’s not.

If we lose a girl’s number because,like an idiot we write it on our hand and it rubs off over the course of the night… We’ll do anything and everything to try and get that number back.

We’ll look it up in the phone book, of course if you never even got her last name, it could prove challenging.   We’ll call our friends, their friends, her friends, directory assistance… we’ll do whatever necessary to find that girl’s number… we’ll find their class schedule and wait for them on campus…

The point of this dribble is, if a girl tells you she’s been meaning to call you, or she lost your number and that’s why she couldn’t… she’s lying.   Especially now with this whole new Internet thing. People can always track you down. If, Penis Pill companies can find my email address, surely so too can the honey you met at your friend’s party.

If someone wants to talk with you, they will. Don’t accept the run around from anyone who tells you, I was gonna call you but I didn’t have time. Or, I lost your number. It takes 5 seconds to leave a message and 25 seconds to find all the information you need about your neighbors and classmates. Bless the Internet.   So they’re trying to let you down gently and you just can’t take a hint OR they’re just a-holes and they give everyone the same excuse.  Either way, move along.

Twitt
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Who Me? I’m Not Promiscuous…

Aug. 20 Relationships no comments

dating advice for guys relationship tips

Here’s one sure way to figure it out.   I have this skanky hot and chunky Asian neighbor. I run into her now and again and and we go through the pleasantries of saying, hello, how are you.

The spaces between her teeth are stained from smoking and she doesn’t have a lot to say. None of which matter cause she has these big floppy tits that she loves showing off in her low cut tank tops. So who’s looking at her teeth.   Let me describe where I live… I live in an apartment building and the car park is below my bedroom window… I always hear traffic coming and going… Like a blind man I now have a heightened sense of hearing… especially the step of fat Asian women.   Throughout the year I have noticed her coming and going with different guys all the time, 4 AM, 9 PM whenever.

One day when I saw her I jokingly said:  It’s hard for me to sleep when you come home at all hours of the morning with different guys

Asian Whore:  I’m not promiscuous, if that’s what you’re saying

Me:  Ahhh, no. I just said it was hard to sleep

See here’s the thing, if someone volunteers their innocence before you ever suggest anything, chances are they’re guilty.  More than likely she has had some sort of incident where someone accused her of being a skank.  So now she is defensive and sensitive to the subject.  Just fess up to it. Yes, I am a whore. I like to fuck many men. That sort of admission won’t win you any long term relationships but if you’re a whore, who cares.  Besides, the world needs a good whore.

Twitt
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I Have A Problem With Girls

Jun. 26 Dad's Blog, Relationships no comments

Here’s another question I got from a reader the other day…

I have always found my problem to be that I totally freeze up around girls from a conversational aspect. Whenever I am alone with a girl that I’m interested in I’m unable to think of anything to say and I get this terrible tugging from my chest that feels like I’m going to have a panic attack. I’m not afraid of failure so I’ve hung out with a few different girls but I always freeze up like this. Do you have any tips on good things to say to start conversations or questions i can ask that will encourage her to talk. I also feel that they detect my anxiety and it seems to kill the mood. Any help would be great. thanks.

Thanx for your email.  First thing you have to do is control these said ‘panic attacks’.  You’re right, a girl can smell it a mile away and you’ve lost before you started.  Picture her taking a dump, or picking her nose… they all do it, in fact chicks can be even more disgusting than guys, so focus on that.  Unless she’s peeing on litmus paper, no woman is worth a panic attack.  Never be intimidated by a woman, unless you have a rubber gag ball shoved in your mouth and you just dropped a grand on rubber suits and oxygen masks.

The most successful salesmen, are the ones that know how to qualify their leads. They don’t waste hours and hours on someone who isn’t going to buy what they’re selling, they get in, feel it out then make an educated move. You should know within seconds if ‘she’ is receptive to you or not. But keep in mind, some people simply don’t talk, they have nothing to say, or they are just stupid – it does happen.

An example of ‘weeding’ them out: A few weeks ago I was out with my ballsy little british neighbor, we see some hot chicks and decide to talk with them. One of them asked me what I was drinking. (It was Vodka and Cranberry) so I said, “I have a urinary tract infection so i’m drinking cranberry juice.” She began to laugh. So right there I knew that she would at the very least not find my creepy or disgusting. (which of course I am)

Get an idea of who they are right away. If she doesn’t get you, she doesn’t get you, there’s nothing you can do. Except annoy her. But let’s say you have indeed found your guinea pig – you approach her.. try to approach when they are in a group. It’s always easier to perform in front of 2 or 3 girls, than just 1. With 2 or 3, you can break up the awkwardness and you can always find something to say when there’s 3.. if you can’t… I sure as phuck can’t help you…

People like to talk about themselves. Let’s say you’ve seen her in school, or working at the mall… ask her about it. “So how do you like working at the candy shop?”  mmm… candy… Or if she’s wearing a tshirt from a band or whatever, ask her what her favorite album is. There’s nothing wrong with simple conversation at first, to break the ice, but then let your personality shine, unless your personality is 2 shades from Ted Bundy, then stick with the small talk.

Ruffies are always good. Totally illegal and I don’t recommend them.. but guaranteed they’ll listen to you all night. (i’m joking, see above ‘creepy and disgusting’)  Conversation is easy, learning how to, is the difficult part. If you fancy yourself an interesting guy, then drop this panic crap and get in there man, time’s a wasting. Ask her interesting things, but nothing too forward, stay away from any and all sex talk, unless she initiates it. Just pump her full of questions and she’ll ramble all night but then you’ll never get her to shut up.. so careful what you wish for. Hope this helps.

Twitt
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So You Got Her, Now What?

Dec. 14 Relationships no comments

advice dating tips men hot chick

For weeks, you’ve been trying to figure out how to ask her on a date.  You’re not a bad looking guy, so you know you’re looks aren’t holding you back, but for some reason you hesitate and you just can’t get around to asking her.  Everytime you see her, she’s always talking to someone, she’s, ‘holding court.’ She knows way more people than you do, and she’s always involved with her friends and other activities.  Quite simply she’s out of your league.  Or rather, a different league.

You match up physically and mentally, but she’s just into different things than you are.  Let’s say she’s class president, or cheerleading captain (whatever), she’s always meeting new people, she’s way more popular and she’s always talking to other guys, exchanging phone numbers, tweets, emails. Can you handle it, or will you break down in jealousy a month after dating?  You better know yourself before you make a move.  If you’re the jealous type, stay away from girls that are social butterflies, girls that like hugging everyone or see nothing wrong with always talking to other guys.  However, sometimes jealousy isn’t just about other guys, it’s about other people in general.  Will you be jealous of her time if you only see her once in a while and have to share her with her other responsibilities?

Be honest with yourself.  Sure it’s great for the ego to score the hot chick in school, but if you can’t hang with the baggage that comes with it, then leave your luggage at home.

Twitt
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The Ugly Friend. Every Girl Should Have One

Dec. 07 Dad's Blog, Relationships no comments
the ugly friend

the ugly friend

I was out with some friends the other night and I was checking out this one hot chick who happened to be with to pretty ugly friends.  At first I wasn’t sure if the hottie was blind, sympathetic or simply a nice person who doesn’t mind that her friends are ugly.  Or maybe she hangs out with them to make her look prettier.  B*tch.

I wanted to go up to her and ask… but I decided not to.  It’s tough hitting on a hot chick when the friends she’s with are ugly.  There are 2 factors at play here:

1) Go for the ugly friend.  The hot girl will think you are so sweet and not at all shallow. She’ll get jealous and try to move in.

2) If you go for the hot one, she might feel bad for her friends and blow you off.

So it’s up to you on how you should proceed.  If you think about it too long you may miss your chance because you know there’s someone else waiting to swoop in.  Belly up to the bar, have a few more shots of courage and get to work son.

Twitt
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Waiting For Her To Call

Nov. 11 Relationships no comments
advice men waiting for her to call

waiting for her to call

‘Oh, It’s You…’

You try to cover up your disappoinment, but your mom can tell from the sound of your voice…

You go on to explain that you’ve been waiting for ‘her’ to call and everytime the phone rings, your heart jumps and as you reach to grab the receiver, you’re telling yourself, ‘it’s not going to be her’ … but you’re really hoping it is. And sure enough, it’s not.. it’s your mom calling to chat!!!

You try best as you can to build your defenses up. You play those dumb games in your head.. like if you’re throwing sometihing in the trash, standing at a distance from the bin you say, ‘okay, if I make this, she’s going to call…’

And of course by days end you’ve forgotten about the game, so you never remember the outcome.. oh wait yes you do.. she still didn’t call. Stupid games.

This goes on through the rest of the day and week, until it starts to fade, or you hope it does anyway. The longest minutes take place when you are waiting for the phone to ring.

What do you do to get over it? Think of all the other people in the world who have lost loved ones. Think of your parents who may be divorced. They got through it and it was much worse for them, you don’t have kids.

I also think of her banging ‘the other guy’ I think of myself leaving these stupid blubbering messages (which I’m proud to say only lastest the span of a day and a half) and them, listening to the message as his smacking her ass, laughing at me. Is it really happening, probably not, but the thought is like a cold glass of water in your face.

You have to pick a mantra and keep repeating it to yourself. Mine at the moment is, ‘she’s seeing someone else, she doesn’t want to talk to you anymore’. As much as it hurts, it’s the truth. And everytime I go to text her, I take a deep breath. And sure enough, I feel so much better for not having gone through with it…

You can try the ‘phucking bitch’ mantra, but if you really don’t feel that way, then it won’t help. Just be honest with yourself. At this point it becomes a mathematical equation of TIME. I never did pass functions, or physics or really anything else that involved numbers and letters, but I am learning.

Have conversations in your head with her. Surprisingly, after a while, you’ll really think you did have those conversations and as you slip further into oblivion, you start to feel a bit better.

I’ll make sure to let you know how it goes…

Twitt
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What Can I Do To Make You Like Me More?

Nov. 04 Relationships no comments
how can i make you like me more

how can i make you like me more

The other day, one of my many girlfriends asked me what she could do to make me like her more.  I replied, “Can you be a different girl every night” which, in hindsight probably wasn’t the best answer, but it was the most honest, which I’ve learned isn’t always the way to go.

As dick-ish as my answer may have sounded, I tried to convince her that what I said was a good thing.  She didn’t buy it.  Here’s the thing, no matter what your girlfriend does, you’re still going think about banging other chicks.

I was trying to tell her not to take it so personally.  Sure, dye your hair, get fake boobs, get in shape…that’s all good, but don’t be confused if we still want to hump every girl we see, especially in the summer when skin is every where.  So knowing all this, it should be less stressful for girls.

In fact, the harder a girl tries, the more bored we get.  It’s actually a no win situation.  The urge for guys to bang will always be there (poetic, isn’t it).  But we can control it, and therein lays the eternal hope.  So ladies, don’t get upset or take it personally if he likes strips clubs or looking at porn – in fact, you should be more concerned if he doesn’t like looking at someone else’s’ titties..still not buying it eh?

Twitt
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The Couch To Bed Transition…

Aug. 22 Relationships no comments

advice for guys dating

There is no book nor scholar that can successfully prepare you for the Jedi mind games that you’ll end up having to play throughout your life with the opposite sex. So with that in mind, we like to stick to the more meaningful physical advice. Nobody has a sure fire solution on picking up chicks. That’s the beauty of women. Every approach has to be different. Women can sense a routine. It’s your first date, you’re making out on the couch. You’re thinking to yourself, how the phuck am I going to make the, “couch -to- bed transition?”

She already brushed your hand away when you tried to grab her boobs the first time, but there’s no way you plan on stopping now. But how? Don’t ever be forceful and always be respectful…that is until you know she’s cool then, you can stick your tongue in her ass before she can pronounce your last name. Anyway, back to the couch… Lay down, but not on her. Lay down beside her. This makes for easier access. Make sure your good arm is free. You don’t want to end up laying on it making it obvious as you start shifting around trying to get it free. We’re working with the element of surprise. If necessary, go the extra step and mask yourself in camouflage…Start grinding with her. Press up against her. Get her to respond. No sudden movements. We’re hunting Wabbits… Start grabbing her ass. Then start rubbing her back under her shirt. Dude, take your time. Your kissing her, pulling her hair a bit and kissing her neck. She’s wet. No doubt about it. At this point try her boobs again. Never mind taking her Bra off. Too distracting. Too many ribbons and bows to play with. So again, gently brush your hand over the front of her bra If she doesn’t let you go there…again, Don’t. Start rubbing her crotch. Nicely. Is she wearing button fly? A belt? All these details you should have noticed when you picked her up four hours ago. Now the choice must be made. Do you go for the crotch? But of course. You are male. Again, don’t bother with the belts and the buckles. It’s like trip wire. At this point, you need to make sure you are not wearing a ring, a watch or even a bracelet. Take everything off that may potentially get caught on the rim of her pants or panties. If a ring gets stuck on the rim of her pants , it’s like shaking somebody out of a deep sleep. She’ll snap out of it and it’s game over. You must get down there quickly and smoothly.

Make sure your hands and nails are well manicured. Now get in there and gently grab hold of that little man in the canoe with the inside of your index and middle finger. Remember – circular. Everything circular.

If she lets you paddle a bit, you can start whispering to her what you’d like to do to her. If she’s receptive, then moving to your room won’t be a problem. In fact, she’ll probably suggest it. If you’re going to make it a one night stand, make sure to do the craziest shit ever. Stick and lick everywhere and everything. You never want her to forget you.

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Twitt
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