Category: Relationships

I’m Afraid Of My Wife

I don’t have a very good short term memory.  My wife reminds me of this all the time.  I’m not sure if it’s my memory, or I just don’t listen to what she says.  Mainly because she has a lot to say.  And when you have 2 kids, there’s even more to say.  Generally, the more that is said, the more I forget.  But how, how is it possible to listen to absolutely everything she says.  So I’m now learning to do whatever she asks, right away.  In the past, she’d ask if I could fold the laundry.  Sure, of course.  But 5 minutes later, I’m watching the 3rd period of a game, hours go by, and sure enough, I forget to fold the laundry.  Of course she has every right to be a little pissed off.  So now… when she asks me to do something, I do it right away.  Even if it doesn’t have to be done right away, I do it anyway.  Because if I don’t, I forget.  And also I’m a bit afraid of her.  But all guys should be afraid of their wives because we know we can’t get any better. True story.

Marriage Is NOT Hard Work. Says Single People.

jennifer garner marriage hard work

I have to assume that the idiots who question Ben for his statement, “marriage is hard work” at the Oscars, are NOT married and don’t have kids. Admitting, “marriage is hard work” is better than saying, “I have wanted to kill my wife several times.” Because let’s be honest

Jennifer Garner has defended husband Ben Affleck’s Oscars acceptance speech which raised eyebrows for suggesting their marriage was hard work.  Garner, 40, and Affleck have been married for more than seven years and he thanked her while accepting the award for Best Picture for Argo, which he directed, produced and starred in.  ‘I want to thank you for working on our marriage for 10 Christmases. It’s good. It is work but the best kind of work and there’s no one I’d rather work with,’ Affleck told a worldwide audience while clutching his trophy.  But the speech had some worrying about the state of their marriage.  source

Why Do Men Cheat?

I was watching the pre pre pre Super Bowl show and I was reminded of Dan Marino and some recent headlines about him. So I googled him and was the last to find out about his love child and how his wife knew blah blah. Then, in the same article by the Huffington Post… I read this:

why men cheat

why men cheat

 

“Powerful men cheat because they have a greater sense of entitlement than the rest of us. They feel they have worked hard and earned where they are and should be afforded rules that are uniquely theirs,” explains relationship expert Cooper Lawrence, co-host of Dish Nation on Fox radio.  Dan probably understood that cheating was not right on one level, but why didn’t that stop him? Dan Marino “knew it was wrong and knew it isn’t what most men should do, but he no longer saw himself as ‘most men,’” adds Lawrence.

No douche. Powerful men cheat for the same reason regular men cheat: we have what’s called a penis. And a penis is more powerful than the most powerful man. I’m not sure when or where he became a relationship expert, but I wonder what he would say if an assembly line worker cheated?!

Why do men go to strip clubs, why do men cheat? … we need to keep studying these impossibly perplexing questions, get more funding, case studies, grants, questionnaires… the answer is as obvious as the people asking the questions… men cheat because we’re stupid.

I Consider Myself A Romantic

I consider myself a romantic and when i get see someone i like that starts to talk to me i rush in or come off a little strong. well i just met this girl who is a year older, sophomore in college and i am a freshmen, and on the first contact or hang out we cuddled and i was kissing her neck to test her and she turned and kissed me for a few minutes.  the next day she was distant but kissed me again, im not a play hard to get kinda guy.  the next night we talk for hours and she tries to scare me off with her defense because she says she is afraid of trusting others and she says she is having trouble trying to figure out who she is. i then thought she is pushing me away but she said she isnt but wants to take it slow. i like her and will take it slow if she wants me to but i am afraid of waiting for something that will never come. confusing eh. thanks for listening

SM: Thanx for your email. First off, it’s wonderful that you can call yourself a romantic – because it’s the first step in admitting you’re a pussy. Being a romantic is great in movies and in books, but in reality, it’ll leave you crushed.

She’s afraid of trusting others… and all that other stuff is crap. It’s just a squeamish way of trying to get rid of you – or to get you to slow the phuck down. It falls under the, “It’s not you, it’s me…” excuse. I was the exact same way as you.  I’d come off way strong – either 2 things happen – you scare them off, or when you get them you don’t want them after a week or so. It’s anti-climactic. It never works out – if it does, it’s temporary. If it weren’t, you wouldn’t be single now.

So basically you have to stop thinking about it and keep on living your daily life and routine. Talk to other girls, and put her out of your mind. I’m not saying to be an ass or display any other reckless behavior here, i’m just saying, the only thing to do is – stop. Stop being the first one to call her. if she wants to talk to you, she’ll call. if she wants to text, she’ll text.

Try this, don’t talk to her for a few days (they’ll seem like very long days) but stay strong, don’t talk to her. If she sees you and comes up to you, be nice, but let her do the offering. Let her ask you the questions etc. Because if it doesn’t work out, (and eventually it won’t – unless she happens to be the woman you marry) you can at least leave with your pride.   Example: I went out with this girl 2 weeks ago – hung out for a couple of hours – said ‘goodnight’ with a peck on the cheek – she’s a big executive, working 15 hours a day – and she travels a lot – we were going to see each other this week – until she sends me a text telling me that we’ll only be able to hook up after thanksgiving – all i can do is respond to her email with a, ‘cool, let me know when you get back and we’ll try to get together then.’

Believe me, I’m trying not to call her or send her some stupid ‘cutsie’ email. I have to simply be cool. When she gets back, she’ll call or email me – if she doesn’t, she doesn’t… what can i possibly do? I’d maybe send her one more email and if she didn’t respond, that’s it. Even sending her that ‘one extra’ email is stupid – but it’s a lot better than what I used to do… We just want what we can’t have.   So don’t ‘wait’ for her. If something else comes along, take it. Again, don’t be an ass – but let her initiate the next move. If she doesn’t, then walk on.   Hope this helps.

Field Guide to Chicks of the United States

field guide to chicks

field guide to chicks of the united states

I got an email from a chick – pardon the pun – who’s involved with this pretty funny book, Field Guide to Chicks of the United States.  We all know how to pick up chicks, right?  I’m kidding of course… how are we supposed to know how to pick up a chick if we don’t know what type of chick she is.  How much wood can a woodchuck chuck..? Anyway, We know not all lines work on all girls, right?  You need at least 3-5 pick up strategies.  The more the better.  When to use what, where… that depends on the type of bird.   And really, how many birds can there possibly be?

Is She Taking You For Granted?

dating tips and advice for men

is she taking you for granted?

Here’s a question from one of our awesome readers…

I’ve read all of your awesome columns and was wondering about something relating to relationships.   What is the best way to break up with someone who lately takes you for granted and doesn’t appreciate shit that you do for them. Everything seems to be a priority in their life except me!! I want them to feel worse then I do after they get dumped!!

SM: I’m sure by now you’ve dumped her.. or at least I hope you have.. The best thing to do is to give it time – I know, I know.. it’s a stupid answer, but in time she’ll figure out how good she had it with you and by then it’ll be too late.   Maybe the best thing to do is to date one of her friends. This way, her friend will always remind her what a great guy you are.  Just make sure you are the one dumping her. Nobody likes being dumped so if you can beat her to the punch, at least you can make her feel a bit shitty and loser like.   Once you dump her, make it known what a great time you are having without her. (Which is why I recommend dating someone she knows).   Hope this helps.

Sorry I Didn’t Call. I Lost Your Number…

Dating Tips, Advice For Men Relationships

I Lost Your Number...

You haven’t heard from her in a couple of days and when you do see her she tells you, I lost your number. Bullshit.  But like a fool, you fall for it and give her your number again. You just want to believe that she’s gonna call you, but she’s not.

If we lose a girl’s number because,like an idiot we write it on our hand and it rubs off over the course of the night… We’ll do anything and everything to try and get that number back.

We’ll look it up in the phone book, of course if you never even got her last name, it could prove challenging.   We’ll call our friends, their friends, her friends, directory assistance… we’ll do whatever necessary to find that girl’s number… we’ll find their class schedule and wait for them on campus…

The point of this dribble is, if a girl tells you she’s been meaning to call you, or she lost your number and that’s why she couldn’t… she’s lying.   Especially now with this whole new Internet thing. People can always track you down. If, Penis Pill companies can find my email address, surely so too can the honey you met at your friend’s party.

If someone wants to talk with you, they will. Don’t accept the run around from anyone who tells you, I was gonna call you but I didn’t have time. Or, I lost your number. It takes 5 seconds to leave a message and 25 seconds to find all the information you need about your neighbors and classmates. Bless the Internet.   So they’re trying to let you down gently and you just can’t take a hint OR they’re just a-holes and they give everyone the same excuse.  Either way, move along.

Who Me? I’m Not Promiscuous…

dating advice for guys relationship tips

Here’s one sure way to figure it out.   I have this skanky hot and chunky Asian neighbor. I run into her now and again and and we go through the pleasantries of saying, hello, how are you.

The spaces between her teeth are stained from smoking and she doesn’t have a lot to say. None of which matter cause she has these big floppy tits that she loves showing off in her low cut tank tops. So who’s looking at her teeth.   Let me describe where I live… I live in an apartment building and the car park is below my bedroom window… I always hear traffic coming and going… Like a blind man I now have a heightened sense of hearing… especially the step of fat Asian women.   Throughout the year I have noticed her coming and going with different guys all the time, 4 AM, 9 PM whenever.

One day when I saw her I jokingly said:  It’s hard for me to sleep when you come home at all hours of the morning with different guys

Asian Whore:  I’m not promiscuous, if that’s what you’re saying

Me:  Ahhh, no. I just said it was hard to sleep

See here’s the thing, if someone volunteers their innocence before you ever suggest anything, chances are they’re guilty.  More than likely she has had some sort of incident where someone accused her of being a skank.  So now she is defensive and sensitive to the subject.  Just fess up to it. Yes, I am a whore. I like to fuck many men. That sort of admission won’t win you any long term relationships but if you’re a whore, who cares.  Besides, the world needs a good whore.

Double Standards? Get Over It Already

double standards men women

double standards for men and women

Here’s an email I got from some chick asking about double standards…

Question: Why is it so much more acceptable for teenage boys to be sexually active than it is for teenage girls? People seem to hold me to a higher standard than they do my brothers and guy friends, and i don’t understand what I did to deserve this. I think this is why girls hardly ever want to make the first move.

Excellent question – one that I have no answer to other than – WAKE – UP!!!   Life is brutally unfair. Your statement,” I didn’t do anything to deserve this” is absolutely valid. You didn’t.  You were simply born a girl, which in some countries can get you killed (see China) so consider yourself lucky.

But a more direct way to answer your question – have you seen the news?  Men are predators.   You’re a girl – you can get knocked up, raped or beaten up a hell of a lot easier than a guy.
So, no matter what you try to tell your folks – they’ll never listen because they are trying to protect you for as long as they can from the scum of the earth.   So in a backwards way, be thankful.  Be thankful that your parents know a hell of a lot more than you do.

Your fight is well appreciated, but unfortunately you’re up against evolution.  Which of course depending on your belief, never existed in the first place.

Why Does Every Guy Wanna Eff Me In The A?

My buddy was “dating” this hot personal trainer when one day she asked him, “why does every guy want to eff me in the a.”  She genuinely seemed confused.  Let’s clarify… because it’s YOUR ASS! Of course, he’s now in a tricky situation because he too falls into that category, but at the same time he doesn’t want to seem like every guy.  So he held out as long as he could until he was finally honest with himself.  He too is like every guy and decided to prove it to her…  So ladies, don’t be confused by it, just accept that we do.  Whether we can or not is up to you.  But enough with the stupid questions.

How To Keep A Guy

how to keep a guy

how to keep a guy

You can’t. You can keep pets and rocks, but not people. However, there are things you can do to avoid pushing him away. The word “keep” applies to objects or animals. You keep a grasshopper, a cat, not a guy. (Or a woman for that matter, but I have yet to figure that one out…) So rather than focusing on, keeping, let’s focus on, not losing. Besides, a guy will wander and stray if that’s what he wants to do.

You can’t keep him by buying sexy clothes, losing weight, boob jobs… lifts, tucks, nothing can keep him if he wants to stray.  So what you need to focus on is, not pushing him away. But unfortunately, that’s what we all tend to do whether we want to or not.

“He won’t go out for hamburgers if you make steak at home”. Basically, a good way not to loose him, is to cook for him.  Guys will eat sandwiches every night if we have to, it makes no difference, but suddenly if you make him a nice meal a few times a week, he’ll really begin to appreciate you.

Don’t nag him, don’t bitch or whine. These three traits seem a common sore spot with most men. Their girlfriend’s seem to always bitch or nag about something. So, try not to nag us. Yes we’re hard headed and forgetful and you may think nagging us is justified, but in our minds, it NEVER is.

Don’t be possessive or jealous. He’s gonna look at other women, let him. The worst thing you can do is try to stop his male intuition. Of course, don’t let him insult you or disrespect you, but allow him to sniff around. We’re dogs, we need our space.

Take one for the team. Of course you don’t feel like putting out all the time, but now and again, you gotta just roll over and let him have his way for a few minutes.

Remember, he’s not yours to keep. Yes, everything I say, sucks, but that’s the way it goes. Men need women to take care of them yet at the same time, we don’t want to feel possessed. Being a woman is an ungrateful job, but if you play it right, being a woman can be a lot of fun.