F8ck, F8ck, F8ck F8ck F8ck… is all I could chant out loud as her phone kept ringing. Call display, so she knows it’s me… After the 5th ring, I’m torn between hanging up, pretending it never happened, or leaving a message. Let me tell ya, if call display wasn’t a feature, I’d probably be calling 50 times a day until she picked up.
I’m sure call display was invented by a woman who was being stalked by her ex-boyfriend… Did someone say ‘stalk’? A couple of months ago my girlfriend (at the time) and I decided to give our dysfunctional relationship a bit of a break. We needed to sort things out and figure out what we wanted… or I think that was the reason. When heavy emotions are involved, it’s tough to be objective and recall, in truth, the events as they unfolded.
Now here we are 2 months later, and like an anvil it hit me… I love this girl. So I go on a relentless pursuit of calling her. At least I’ve gotten better since my teens… no drive by’s, no sending mixed tape, cards in the mail… just a slip up phone call here and there. Okay, maybe a blubbering message.. or 2. Phuck.. okay, okay… and a few text messages.. but THAT’S IT!!! no more… that was until this morning when I called her again. Sigh!!!
See kids, see how much SM loves you… I go through all this crap so hopefully you won’t have to. I know I shouldn’t call her, but my mind is weak. Oh look a poodle… even when I’m dialing… in my head.. ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ then one ring two ring three potato, four… And sure enough I sit around pissed at myself for having given in. It’s like buyers remorse. But this time I don’t have the receipt.
To be fair, she did call me the other day only to tell me that she had kept her phone on silent… (gee I wonder why).. and that she hadn’t heard any of my messages. She promised she’d delete them without listening to them. Actually I wish I had the recording myself, I’d play it for you… something like ‘whine, cry.. I miss you…boo hoo, why don’t you call me?’ Now of course the reasoning behind her not calling back, according to a voice message she left was because she cares a lot about me and talking to me wouldn’t help the healing.. (para-phrasing).
So I sit and wallow… could that really be the reason she’s not calling? Because she cares too much? Mind you… if she has listened to my blubbering messages, I’m sure by now there are other reasons she’s no longer calling… which brings me to my next point…. No matter how much you are dying to call ‘that person’ you must do everything you can not to.
Let’s say ‘them caring too much’ is the real reason they are not calling you… well by YOU calling them all the time will most certainly kill any and all emotions they may have for you. Suddenly you become annoying. They want to get on with their life, so let them. The hardest thing about not talking to them is, you have no control over the situation. All you want to do is see them, maybe give them a hug but you can’t.
They simply don’t want to talk to you anymore. You remember all the times that they did want to talk to you, and you wonder where it all phucked up. But it did and all you can do is just keep living. You try and ‘reverse’ your emotions. You start wanting to hate them, you try and become bitter, but you can’t it’s not natural and you miss them too much. So all you can do is draw on the last few experiences where you thought you’d never get over whatever it was that was ‘killing’ you… but you did, you did get over it… only to have it find you again.
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